Maybe She’s Crazy…
Maybe She’s Threatened and Fighting Back
Yesterday, I lost my patience on a couple strangers.
I don’t regret it.
Could I have been more articulate and graceful? Well, to be honest… probably not considering I was overcome by my fight or flight response.
Real quick before I share what happened - the term toxic masculinity makes many people uncomfortable, so it’s worth pointing out that the alternative is healthy masculinity. I’m not sharing this story to bash men and masculinity - I’m pointing out what healthy alternatives could look like.
Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity is:
Why a few adult boys repeatedly smacked a volleyball in my direction as I laid by the pool.
Why they didn’t apologize when the ball hit my chair near my foot.
Why the ball kept coming toward my chair and not anyone else’s… not their 10+ friends, not the couple sitting together, just me - the female who was alone.
Why they giggled as the ball repeatedly bounced near my chair.
Why no one in their group called them out.
Toxic masculinity is:
Why I was judged for my rage when the ball came whizzing by my ear and bounced off my chair, inches from my face.
Why no one stood with me as I confronted them.
Why the women in their friend group either 1. didn’t consider that if they, like me, were alone - they probably would have felt targeted and unsafe too. Or 2. did consider that, but didn’t feel confident or safe enough to say it.
Why I felt embarrassed when I heard people scoff and chuckle as I turned my back and removed myself from the situation - as if I overreacted because I’m too sensitive and emotional.
Toxic masculinity is:
Why I, a resident who’s entitled to the amenities on the property I rent from, had to leave because guests, (who are not entitled to the amenities), felt entitled to my silent acceptance of their harassment.
Why the resident who invited these guests into our community let me, their neighbor, leave - instead of telling their disrespectful guests to leave.
Why my attire, even when obviously appropriate for the occasion, (a bikini by a pool), is often interpreted as an invitation to stare, comment or harass.
Why I often feel uncomfortable in public without my husband or my dog.
We, men and women alike, need to do better. We need to stop judging women for how they react when they are provoked and redirect that energy toward holding boys accountable when they threaten and disrespect women. Even in situations that “aren’t that serious”.
What I experienced yesterday was far from the worst that’s happened to me. It’s an example, though, of the gradual conditioning that teaches people - especially predators and abusers - that they are entitled to women’s attention, care, bodies, submission and silence.
Healthy Masculinity
My hope is that people will recognize and intervene in similar situations before the targeted woman has to fight back, or worse - gets hurt. When you do, you will: 1. demonstrate healthy masculinity; 2. hold others accountable for their toxic masculinity; and 3. make the women who witness your actions feel safe and empowered in your presence.